Focus on the marriage, not the wedding.

 

As someone who has been married for almost 33 years, I think I can rightfully say I have a pretty good idea what is important in a marriage, and it is not the wedding. I think that we were lucky not to have a ton of money to spend on the wedding.  My parents were pretty broke when Matt and I got married, as were Matt and I.

Society has romanticized what a wedding should be like- -the beautiful expensive dress that brings everyone to tears when they see the bride in it for the first time. The hand-written personalized place cards for the exclusively catered meal for 300 of your very closest friends.  The wedding industry is a $53.4 BILLION industry, and that estimate was from 2013, eight years ago.  Just imagine what it is now, excluding the COVID year.  Something interesting that I read the other day, is that couples are actually putting off getting married during the pandemic because they can’t have the big, huge party that they had planned on. That tells me the wedding is more important than the marriage.

Weddings are an amazing time to bring family and friends together to celebrate your new life together as husband and wife. But wouldn’t it stand to reason that you should put more effort into planning your marriage that is going to last a lifetime, or eternity for some? As young girls we dream about the perfect man, the wedding, and what we are going to name our children.  Seldom do we think about the important things like how we are going to make all this perfectness last. I suppose we think that it’s just going to happen automatically.  Like getting the perfect man will automatically happen. 😉

Growing up in a house that had parents that were less then happy in their marriage I knew what I did not want in my marriage.  When I was dating Matt, I intentionally talk to him about what I wanted our marriage to be like.  We talk about the importance of religion in our home, about money and how I need to feel secure that we had enough, I needed him to show me love and tell me he loved me- -he does this often.  As our children came along each one was planned and wanted.  We talk about me working, not working. He is a great dad and loves being a dad.  Matt being a dad isn’t him babysitting the kids, it’s about him taking an active role in each of their lives.  As our circumstance changed, we talked about what to do next and made the plans together. I don’t want to give the illusion that our marriage is or was perfect, however it’s a really good marriage.

I think that Matt and I’s ability to talk to each other started early in our relationship. He was willing to listen to me and I was willing to listen to him. We talked about everything. I felt that he respected that I had an opinion about something, in fact the liked that I could hold a conversation and didn’t always agree with him just so he would like me. We spent our time dating talking, laughing, and spending all our spare time together. Transitioning into marriage seemed very natural for us. It was the next step to continue our eternal commitment to each other.

I think that if people would spend more time thinking and planning their marriage and spent less time planning the wedding there would-be fewer divorces, and happier marriages.  This is coming from someone who has been mostly happily married for almost 33 years.