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Family as a System

Well that sounds like a great read! Okay maybe not the best title, but a fascinating topic. I like to think of the family in the system theory. The parts are interrelated individuals.  I think that to have a successful family all individuals need to do be working together and doing their part in the family relationship.  If one of their family members is out of sync it affects the rest of the family. However, the beautiful thing when a family member out of sync the other members in the family (system) can pick up the pieces or step in and help each other out.

Being married for 32 years has been a huge blessing for our family.  It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child.  That maybe true to some extent, friends, neighbors, and members of a religious group influence family members.  However, having a strong family system gives family members a safe place to land when someone in the system needs help.

When our kids were little, bedtime was 8:00, it did not matter if they were asleep, reading or playing quietly they needed to be in their rooms.  This gave Matt and I time to reconnect as husband and wife, as the kids got older their bedtime extended, however there were times when I was exhausted. I would say to my family mom is going to bed.  I knew that I could do this, and the kids would be fine, he’s the dad, not a babysitter. Matt is an awesome husband and father. He understood that I was maxed out for the day and needed a break. There were also times when I knew he needed a break, we worked together to raise our kids. 

When one of our children was going through a particular hard time in their life, due to their own choices, if affected the rest of the family. There was more stress with each of us, but we were able to come together and support each other and the sibling when he would allow it. Our family system was still functioning, but we had to adjust to keep our family strong. Looking back on this struggle we are stronger as a family because of the way we as a family handled the situation. We had built strong enough family relationships to help him, instead of tearing him down. We gave him a soft place to land.  

Building a strong relationship between family members takes work and time. We started when we were first married. Matt and I did things together. Sure, we both have our own interests, but what mattered most was building the marriage, then the family.  We took time when the kids were young to be together. Rather that was going to the park, eating dinner together, or going on bike rides. Sunday was considered family day and the kids were not allowed to play with friends.  We took the opportunity to spend our time together.  As the kids got older there were the school music concerts, and sports. It was just natural that we went to each of their events and their siblings came along.  They became part of each other lives and interests.

Sadly, I have seen when this is not the case in families, each person act as an independent part.  I have had friends and family members comment on our family and how close we are.  We started young and continue today to support where we can.  I love that fact that my adult kids are friends with each other.  This does not mean we are perfect; we still have problems.  At times we do not function as a system, but I am quick to recognize it and remind them what is important.  Yes, be an individual, live your life, but remember your family is your safe place to land.

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